If you’re searching for the best Dorothy Parker quotes, you’ve come to the right place. Famed for her razor-sharp wit and timeless observations, Parker remains one of literature’s most beloved humorists. Her clever quips about love, life, and society have delighted generations and still ring true today. This collection of the best Dorothy Parker quotes will remind you why her voice stands out with such intelligence and heart. Whether you need a spark of inspiration or a wry laugh, let Parker’s words guide you through the ups and downs of everyday life with a wink and a nod.
💬 On Wit and Wordplay
“Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
— Dorothy Parker
“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
— Dorothy Parker
“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
— Dorothy Parker
“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”
— Dorothy Parker
🥂 On Life and Living
“Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!”
— Dorothy Parker
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Living well is the best revenge.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do anything.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond tiara instead.”
— Dorothy Parker
“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.'”
— Dorothy Parker
“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”
— Dorothy Parker
“You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.”
— Dorothy Parker
💔 On Love and Relationships
“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
— Dorothy Parker
“By the time you swear you’re his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying — Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying.”
— Dorothy Parker
“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”
— Dorothy Parker
“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I hate writing, I love having written.”
— Dorothy Parker
“They sicken of the calm, who know the storm.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If you want to see what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.”
— Dorothy Parker
“There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”
— Dorothy Parker
📚 On Writing and Art
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”
— Dorothy Parker
“The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant — and let the air out of the tires.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Authors and lovers always suffer some infatuation from which only absence can set them free.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If you can get through the first draft, you’ve got it made.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.”
— Anonymous
“A book is never finished; it is abandoned when the deadline arrives.”
— Dorothy Parker
🧠 On Self and Society
“I wish I could drink like a lady. I can take one or two at the most. Three and I’m under the table, four and I’m under the host.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Tell him I was too fucking busy — or vice versa.”
— Dorothy Parker
“If all the girls who attended the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I’m not a snob. Ask anyone. Well, anyone who matters.”
— Dorothy Parker
“One more drink and I’ll be under the host.”
— Dorothy Parker
“I hate almost all rich people, but I think I’d be darling at it.”
— Dorothy Parker
“Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.”
— Dorothy Parker
“It’s not the tragedies that kill us, it’s the messes.”
— Dorothy Parker
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
— Dorothy Parker
We hope these top 50 Dorothy Parker quotes sparked a smile and provided a perfect taste of her legendary wit. Whether you’re chasing clever comebacks or thoughtful wisdom, Parker’s sharp humor continues to resonate through the years. Share your favorites with friends, revisit them when you need a laugh, and keep spreading her timeless spark. Let Dorothy Parker’s clever words remind you never to take life — or yourself — too seriously. Thanks for joining us on this lively literary ride!
About Dorothy Parker
Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) was an American poet, short story writer, critic, and satirist, renowned for her biting wit and keen social observations. A founding member of the legendary Algonquin Round Table, she became a defining voice of the Jazz Age with her clever quips and honest reflections on love, loss, and society. Parker contributed regularly to magazines like Vanity Fair and The New Yorker, earning acclaim for her sharp, poignant commentary. Beyond her clever one-liners and humorous poems, Parker’s work often revealed deeper truths about the human experience. Her enduring influence can still be felt in modern literature and popular culture, remembered as much for her courage in tackling difficult subjects as for making us laugh with her sarcastic humor.
